Where am I, Betty?

In the court:

Question: What was the first thing your husband said when he woke up that morning?
Answer: He said “WHERE AM I, BETTY?”
Question: And why were you upset with that?
Answer: Because my name is Celia.

Photo by Vanessa Schweizer
(www.olhares.com/pinkybrasil)

I’m without fuel

The plane contacts the control tower:

- Control tower, this is Cessna 1325, student-pilot, I’m without fuel.

In the tower, everybody drops the coffee, all emergency procedures are activated, the whole department is on alert. Sweat runs down in some people’s faces and the controller answers the pilot:

- Roger, Cessna 1325. Reduce velocity for hovering. Do you have visual contact with the lane?
- I… I mean… I’m on the lane… I’m waiting for the fuel’s deposit to be atested.

Photo by Nuno Manuel Baptista
(www.olhares.com/nmnsb)

Honey, be carefull!

An old man is driving in the highway when his wife calls him in the cell phone:
- Yes?
- Look, honey, be carefull! They’re saying on the news that there’s one car driving the wrong way in the highway!
- One?! There’s like hundreds of them!

Photo by Alberto Vale
(www.olhares.com/vale)

Beautiful Rain

It’s raining heavily right now. It’s funny how people react around here when it rains. They always seem caught by surprise, looking at the falling waters like something that shouldn’t be happening. “Have you seen how it rains?!”, they ask all the time.

The weather is almost always good and warmy in Portugal, except for Summer, when temperatures may rise to 40ºCelsius (100º Farenheit), especially in the eastern e southern lands.

Me, for example, I always forget the umbrella at home. It’s a really good umbrella, big and resistant, the kind that the strongest wind won’t be able to turn into pieces. It’s safeguarded in a remote place, somewhere in my apartment. I only think about it when it rains. And usually, when it rains, I’m nowhere near the said thing. I’m always caught by surprise.

So, when it rains, and I have to go outside, I run under the rain with my bag over my head, until I arrive wherever I have to go. Very practical.

But I love the rain. Rain is water, and water is life. I love the smell of wet earth and watered plants and trees. I love how it looks when everything (and everybody) in the streets is wet. I love watching people running around, trying to fight the liquid element. It makes me laugh. People walking their dogs. I’ve seen one, whose dog had a little  umbrella of its own, attatched to the leash. Head was dry, that’s right. The butt, totally wet. It made me laugh.

Rain is water, water is life, and life is  joy.

The End is Near!

In a road, two priests hold up a big card saying: ‘The End is Near! Surrender and Go Back!’

A car passes by and they show the card to the driver. The driver laughs at them, insults them and keeps on going. A moment later, there’s a loud crash beyond the curve, followed by a great silence.

One of the priests says to the other:
- Maybe we should change the card and just write ’The Bridge has Fallen’, no?

Photo by Erik Reis
(www.olhares.com/erik)

The word they didn’t change

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn’t change one word. The word they didn’t change was on page 87. (Steve Martin)

Photo by Raphael, O Pensativo
(www.olhares.com/manraphael)

You have to stay in shape… Right?

You have to stay in shape, right? My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is. (Ellen DeGeneres)

Photo by Paulo Madeira
(www.olhares.com/moss)
(www.paulomadeira.net)

Art

Love the art in yourself, not yourself in the art. (Konstantin Stanislavsky)

Photo by Pedro N.S. Costa
(www.olhares.com/costix)

 

Build the wings

Sometimes, we just have to jump and build the wings on the way down. (Ray Bradbury)

Photo by David Sousa
(www.olhares.com/davidsousa)

A chance to laugh

Never lose the chance of laughing at yourself. You may well be losing the joke of the century.

Photo by Luis Dores
(www.olhares.com/luisdores)